My father was born in Palermo, Sicily and came to the United States in the late 60′s to marry my mother.  He was a captain in the Italian Merchant Marines and had a successful career ahead of him when he got a letter from my mother explaining that she was pregnant.  Back then – the only answer was to get married.  He did the honorable thing, gave up his career and came to the United States to start a new life.

I wont go into the details, but it wasn’t an easy life.  He had a thick Italian accent and had to start from the bottom with his career.  On top of this – my mother was an extremely complicated person and I’ll leave it at that.  Just know that our home was not a peaceful place most of the time.

My father ended up being extremely successful, but he paid a very big price for it… most of his time was spent working.  This means that I rarely got to see him, but when he did find a moment or two to take my brother and I out for lunch, or a drive to the bank – I remember that somehow, he would always have a snickers bar for each of of us.  On Valentines Day – even as a child, I would get a single rose.  My dad never left me out, nor made me feel ignored no matter how much time I did, or did not have with him.

My mother passed away in 2007, and although that was a sad chapter, it was somewhat of a relief.  My father started to find a new life for himself, he even got engaged for a short while.  He went to the movies, had parties with friends and in general – just really started to enjoy life.  He came to visit us on a regular basis and called every single day.  Yes, I said – every single day.  He really loved having family around and no matter how much of a social life he found for himself – the emptiness of the house and distance from us made him a bit lonely.

Do you know how many times I would answer the phone just to say, “Dad, I’ll call you back”…. knowing full well that I probably wasn’t going to call him back?  Sometimes he would call so many times a day that it was like having a stalker.  I knew he was lonely, but my goodness – I was in my 30s, married and had two kids of my own.  I  cannot express enough how much I miss him calling.  When the phone is quiet at night right before bed and doesn’t ring, I feel haunted by his absence.

I really took my father being in my life for granted.  I had a lot of reason to.  He had never been sick a day in his life.  I barely remember him ever having a cold.  Even if he was sick – he would drag himself into the office without complaining.  I don’t remember my father ever taking a “sick day”.  His father lived into his late 90s, and his grandmother made it to 100.  The people on my father’s side of the family live very healthy, long lives.  I had always imaged that my father would be a very old pain in the ass.  That never happened.

In August of 2011, my father finally retired and moved to Florida to live with my family.  We had purchased a home in 2009 that was big enough so that my father could comfortably move in with us.  He was only 68 when he came to live with us, full of life and energy.  In Italy, parents living with their children in their retirement years is a very normal thing.  My father could have lived on his own, but it wasn’t what we wanted.  My dad absolutely adored his grandchildren.  All of them.  I truly believe that my father woke up every day excited to see the kids.  I have never seen anyone love anything or anyone as much as my father loved his grandchildren.  It was as if he would breath them in each day instead of oxygen.

In early October, my dad finally took the time to get his first doctor’s appointment to get settled with a primary care physician in the area.  He went in for a regular check up, and nothing more.  We had been making fun of him though because he loved Joe’s cooking and it seemed like he had gained a bit of weight since he moved in.  The doctor ran some regular blood tests and dad came home chipper as usual.  We had noticed that he had aged, but we attributed it to the fact that he moved out of his home of 40 years (that I was born and raised in) completely on his own.  It was a big house, our schedules didn’t work to be able to go help him and like usual – he didn’t ask.  It was probably very emotionally and physically draining to have to sort through 40 years of memories and figure out what to keep, what to give away and what to throw away.  We had limited space at our house and he had to make some tough decisions.

A week after the first doctor’s appointment, my dad got a call that some of the tests had come back a little troubling and he needed some more.  His liver enzymes were elevated and the doctor wanted to do some more tests.  Dad didn’t think much of it and neither did we.  Remember, he was going to live until his late 90s in my mind.  I remember even saying that to him, “Dad, don’t worry – you’re going to drive me nuts in your old age”.

The rest went by so quickly that I don’t really know how to break it all down.  All I can tell you is that by mid October, we knew that something was very wrong and we suspected Liver Cancer.  Dad’s abdomen got so swollen he couldn’t bend over to put on his own socks.  He started having tons of very painful cramps in his legs and hands.  The cramps were so bad that Joe would have to massage his legs multiple times a day and he couldn’t cut up a piece of fruit because his hands were curling backwards.  It was awful to watch, and the doctors didn’t have a lot of answers.  At first, we were told it was gall stones.  He went to a surgeon, who order a CT scan of his abdomen to check out the stones.  The answer came back that he would not perform any surgery because the gall stones were the least of our worries.  My father’s liver was shrinking and showing signs of severe damage.  But from what?  My father didn’t drink.

Dozens of tests later and two hospitalizations – we still didn’t know much more than we know now.  I had a huge project going on at work and I was working from home during the day.  When he wasn’t in the hospital, I would make him his favorite foods for lunch and dinner.  Even though none of the doctors could confirm the cancer at this point, I just knew that we were dealing with something of that nature.  I was watching my father waste away.  Joe was amazing.  My father would refer to Joe during his last weeks as “Joe, my son, my angel”.

The hard part of all of this is that my father asked that none of us cry.  If you know me well, then you know that I can come off as hard as a rock.  I did my best to keep a straight face with my father, even though I would cry every night after he went to sleep.  The hard part looking back is not that I didn’t cry in front of my father, but it made me avoid conversations that I wish I had with him.  I made sure that I kept the conversations with him based on what he needed at that moment, that day, to make him comfortable.  (Except for the day he made me help him re-write his will.  I had to do that not facing him and taking multiple breaks to get more coffee, a snack, anything to walk away when it was getting to be too much).

This whole time I was trying to communicate my father’s condition to his family in Italy, and my brother David in Nashville.  Since everyone knew my father as an incredibly healthy, vibrant man – getting everyone to understand how quickly his health was deteriorating was very challenging.  I thank God every day that I did get my brother to come down to Florida to see my dad over one weekend to introduce his new daughter.  Dad was weak at that point, but still able to sit up, eat dinner with us at the table, have a conversation.  He looked sick, but dying?  No.  They still hadn’t confirmed the cancer in a way that seemed convincing enough for the family.  Besides, do you know how hard it is to explain to someone over the phone that although there are treatments for most cancers – we still didn’t even know for sure where his started or ended.  Do you know how many times I was asked, “Are you sure?”  No, I wasn’t sure – the doctors weren’t sure.  None of the doctors ever pointed to a tumor and said, “there it is”.  We would get phone calls saying that his tumor markers were high in blood tests and they knew the cancer was there but they couldn’t find it.  One doctor told us that he saw a tumor behind the liver – the rest said they didn’t know what he was talking about.  It was a very frustrating and confusing time for us.

My father never complained.  He never said, “Why me”.  He never said, “This is not fair”.  Not one complaint.  The only time I remember seeing the suffering on his face was one of the last times he ate dinner with us at the kitchen table.  We were sitting and eating and he looked at each of us for a brief moment one by one starting with the kids.  He was just watching us.  I saw the tears well up in his eyes and his face turn red.  When he looked straight at me and realized that I saw what he was doing, he quickly got up and ran to his room before anyone else noticed.  When he came back, he was composed and never said a word.

During his last hospitalization in early November, I finally cornered one of the doctors and told them to figure it out and that I wanted answers right now.  I kept a straight face and asked how long we had.  Three weeks to a month.  Several doctors has huddled together and gone over all of his blood tests and scans and come to the conclusion that although they believed the cancer was in his liver, it had spread from his pancreas …that they had not originally noticed was swollen.  It was confirmed, my father had the worst cancer you can probably get – pancreatic cancer and it had already spread to his liver.  It explained why each day was such a change from the previous and his decline was so quick.  The doctors told me to gather the family for Thanksgiving and not Christmas.  I called my brother and my aunt in Italy and everyone rearranged their schedule.  The doctors had not told my father yet and asked me to explain it to him.  As he had gotten worse, his voice was really rough and coupled with the strong accent – it was easier for the family to translate.

Do you know what it is like to have to look at your father and explain that he probably wouldn’t be around for Christmas, so we needed to change our goals and get the family together much sooner?  Even at this stage, my father was very aware.  Joe and the kids were all in the hospital room when I broke the news to my dad.  I could barely look at him, I kept fiddling with my cell phone while I was talking just trying to distract myself enough to get through the conversation without crying.  When my dad said, “So I wont be here for Christmas.  Okay, I’m dying.  I know this,” I finally couldn’t hold it in any longer.  I started to choke up.  I turned to Joe, he was crying.  My 12 year old son started to cry and said, “But mom, isn’t there a treatment.  There is cancer treatments, I know there is”.  For the first time, my dad really started crying.  It is a moment I will never forget.  My father composed himself, hugged and kissed us all, and said, “I have had a great life.  I love my children and I know that you all love me.  It will be okay.”

My 32nd birthday was on November 16th.  My father had enough life left in him to remember this and hand wrote a check from his hospital bed to cover a birthday gift.  Dad and Joe split the cost of getting me a tablet pc that I had been wanting and some flowers.  I still have the check stub – I found it after he died and it is probably the most precious thing that I have of his.  He wrote the check on November 14th.  Dad came home on  Wednesday, November 16th, my birthday and he had really gotten to a point that it was obvious he was slipping away.  He had not eaten for several days in the hospital due to some tests and procedures that had to be done and it had taken a huge toll.  He was not able to walk on his own, and when he did talk to us it was one or two words at a time and then he would slip away again.  During one of his lucid moments, he asked me if I liked my birthday present.  I told him I loved it and he said, “good, good” and slipped back away.

I realized at that point we probably had a few days left.  I called my brother the next morning and tried to warn him that Dad’s condition had really changed dramatically over the last few days.  David was scheduled to be at our house early Friday morning to spend the weekend with dad and pick up my father’s car that he was inheriting.  I had finally convinced him not to wait much longer.

Unfortunately, on Thursday night – November 17th, the day after my father came home from the hospital and less than a month from the day we knew anything was wrong at all…my precious father passed away in our arms.  Only Joe and I were in the room at first.  We had helped him sit up and gotten him into a chair.  We were both holding him and he had his arms around Joe’s neck.  When his arms let go of Joe’s neck… he completely let go.  Joe realized he was leaving us and held him up so I could get in front of him and let him know it was okay to go and to talk him through his last moments.  One of the things I vividly remember saying to my father was, “you can still come see me in my dreams”.  At some point, I called my brother while my father still had shallow breathing and held the phone to his ear so that my brother could say goodbye.  Joe and I wanted to get my dad back to bed before he completely passed but we were going to need help.  Joe’s best friend Rory arrived shortly thereafter along with the hospice nurse and somehow we got dad back in the bed in time for his final few breaths.  The nurse called his time of death.  I walked out the room and called my brother.  A few minutes after telling my brother that dad had passed away…. Joe came to tell me that Dad had started breathing again.  In our opinion, our father really had died the first time, but his body was really strong despite the cancer – and his body continued this really horrible sounding, gasping breathing for two and a half hours longer before his body let go completely.

It took me almost an hour after my father died to let go of his hand.  I remember putting my face in his hand for one last time, his hand was still warm.  Joe finally convinced me to let go and I left the room.  My father’s death, although agonizing for all of us – was very peaceful.  What would be better than to die at home in the arms of two people who absolutely loved you unconditionally?

There are more stories to tell about the weeks that followed my father’s death, but I will leave that to other blog posts.  This post was really to honor our father and to remind ourselves and our friends that nothing in life should be taken for granted.  In the last weeks of his life, my father wouldn’t just kiss us hello – he would literally take our face into his hands and kiss every inch of our face.  The hugs were longer, and the smiles were bigger.  He still found moments to scold me for working too much and to tell me that he was so proud of me.  He found time to tell his family and anyone who would listen that he loved his family and he was so proud of all of us.  He also found the time to pass on a message that would take a few weeks to get back to us – my father was okay with leaving me, his baby girl… because Joe was such a loving and kind soul – that he knew I would be taken care of.  Joe may never know how much that means, but it is something I can never quantify for him.  In my father’s last weeks – he was not only comforted by Joe’s care, but by the thought that we would all be okay, because this great man was in our life.  I cannot thank my husband enough for doing this for my dad… he gave him a comfort that no medicine or treatment ever could.

It is not a cliche – the only things that matter in life are your friends, family and love.  At the end – that is all you have.

Most of the last few days have been spent cleaning up Christmas and playing with my web sites Thedestinphotographer.com PerceptionsByMayer.com and my blog site CaptureDestin.com.  Being a Destin Photographer I am pretty much able to make my own schedule and get all the “stuff” done that needs attention on a daily basis, things like getting the kids out of bed and ready for school, dinner, laundry, Annie’s Piano, James weekly shot, groceries, playing with the doggies Blue and Lucy.  Even as the owner of my own business, there never seems to be enough time in the day to get everything done.  I do a fair amount of business in Destin and Panama City Beach with vacation rental photography but with the weather not being the greatest over the past month or so things have backed up a bit.  Over the past week I have been able to get back on track and I am feeling much better about where I am with the business.  Last year was my 5^th year and my best.  Thanks to all my current clients in the vacation rental industry and thanks to all my summer beach vacationers as well.  Hope to see some of you again this summer.

I thought I would share some of the most endearing questions spoken truly from their childhood innocence…

Annie, “Mom, why do we have to take our shoes off to go through security?”

My answer, “Because they want to make sure you are not trying to bring any weapons or smuggle anything through security in your shoes.”

Annie, “Mom, that would be disgusting and nothing fits in my shoes other than my feet.”

James, “Mom, since we will be so high above the clouds, can I see the stars while we are up there?”

My answer, “I am not sure, but I think you should look for them and let me know.”

James Amber and Annie In New York City!!

Do you ever have get that feeling that you are in exactly the right place at exactly the right time…. even if it is not where you planned to be?  This past Thursday, Joe and I took the children (as a surprise) to the Owl City concert in NY at the Roseland Ballroom.  Before you start to judge – just know that Owl City is my 11 year old son’s favorite band… so it was for his benefit and not our own.  =)  The first opening act, is not something memorable enough to mention, but the second act was a fantastic surprise for us – Mat Kearney.  I didn’t know that at first because it was so loud I couldn’t understand the announcer, but after a few bars of his first song, I knew I recognized the music.  I Googled a few of the lyrics and “wallah!”…. Mat Kearney was at the top of the search results with his own Wikipedia article.  The photo on Wikipedia matched the cute crooner belting it out below, so I ran downstairs and bought a t-shirt … and for the first time in almost a decade – I even purchased a CD.  I had to think about it at first because who uses a real CD anymore?  I have used itunes since well… since it began.  I remembered that I could load the CD into itunes and move on with life, so I grabbed the clunky square plastic disc containing object and showed some support for the musician.  So here’s my idea since I have not seen any of the concert promoters start doing this yet…. instead of selling me an actual disc, why don’t you sell me a coupon with a download code for the artist’s music online instead?  I think people would be more apt to do this these days rather than buy an actual  CD.  Music people, did you hear me?  This is a good idea.  Maybe I’ll be a promoter in my next life??

Back to the point.  Before the concert, we walked the kids down Broadway to Times Square.  My mother grew up in NY and I couldn’t help but wonder if she had walked any of those steps.  I’m sure she had, she was quite a worldly person, adventurous and free spirited.  I hope she knows that I was thinking about her the whole time.  Even during the concert I watched my children act like giddy fans jumping up and down, dancing, clapping and I realized that I had “broken the chain”.  My parents would never have even considered bringing my brother and I to a rock concert… let alone all the way to NY for a surprise concert for our favorite band.  I’m not like my parents, I am actually involved in my children’s life.  At least for this week, my kids even think that Joe and I are cool.

Other great moments on this vacation included a trip to Atlantic City, NJ to the Boardwalk/More’s Piers.  Aside from the fact that Joe and I love the show, Boardwalk Empire, I had never considered bringing the kids to this part of the world, but Joe’s family insisted that Wildwood would be a good adventure and they were right.  This would be a very colorful blog if I posted photos or described some of the attire worn by the New Jersey “natives”, but I’ll keep this PG.  The kids had a blast running from ride to ride with their cousins and Joe finally found the perfect Philly Cheesesteak.  (This was his third try, there would be a fourth too but it was a failure as well).  Funnel cakes, salt water taffy, nachos, fudge… ugh… we will need to invest in a treadmill (that collects dust) as soon as we can pay off the American Express card that is worn out from this vacation.

Today was the Philadelphia aquarium.  Smaller than some other aquariums that I have seen in different cities, but probably one of the best experiences.  It was just the right size for a four hour excursion with four children under 12, the food wasn’t too overpriced and it was generally clean.  The best exhibit was the Hippos… massive animals that snuggled and played with a very large tire.

Favorite memory from the visit – dancing at the Roseland Ballroom with the kids to “Fireflies” by Owl City.   I doubt either of them will forget it, and I know it will be something I look back on for years to come.

Biggest lesson learned:  I have really been spoiled by Vacation Rentals.  Spending an entire week in a hotel room with a family is just awful compared to a spacious condo or home that has a common area, a kitchen and multiple bathrooms.  This one hotel room even cost more than anything I have ever paid for a mid-high luxury vacation rental!  The bed was awful… poor Joe will need a week to recover!  Next time, we’ll find a professionally managed vacation rental in our destination of choice and not think twice.   Note to management companies and vacation rental homeowners though – having great mattresses and bedding would make us loyal customers over almost any other amenity!  (Almost meaning, it needs to be very very clean and a good location… ha!)

Tomorrow we travel home and I go back to the office and Joe goes back to being the Destin Photographer.  Not a bad life… we know we are lucky!

Me and my Bride

It sounds so cliché, but it seems like a month ago that Amber said to me, “You know your stuff if pretty good, how come you have never thought about doing this full time?”  She was talking about my photography and for a while every time we talked about it I would just shrug it off and say, “I could never make a living being a Destin Photographer.”  It  just didn’t seem real to me at all.  Well after many conversations about it, I of course took the leap and started my own business.  Amber is such a big part of why I am very comfortable in my business today.  I love her so much.  I call her my office manager because she takes care of all things computer and money and everything that makes the business run …then I just take calls and do what I love to do.  Beach Photography in Destin is booming and whether you are after studio portraits or just casual candid shots you have those options in Destin.   People from all over the country come to the Emerald Coast to enjoy our beautiful white sand beaches and there are plenty of reasons they come year after year.  They are the same reasons I took the leap.  The Destin area is full of fun things to do like fishing trips, water parks, music events, and sailing, jet skis the list goes on and on.  We have some of the best sun sets around and our food and some of our restaurants are award winning.  So if you have thought about coming to Destin FL and just haven’t taken the leap yet, let me encourage you.  Take the leap you will be very glad you did, it won’t be just a vacation – it will be a tradition.  See you soon!

There is a poem/prayer that I have known for a long, but just now learned to appreciate.  The Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Sometimes, what we fear worst – actually happens.  Sometimes we lose our jobs, our businesses, the person we love – and there is nothing we can do to change it.  Courage is knowing that no matter what – you’ll pick yourself up, not lose hope, keep looking forward and to never let whatever you lost – take any part of you with it.

Recently, Joe and I went to Palermo, Sicily for a long weekend.  It was a last minute addition on the end of a business trip to London for me.  I am a first generation American – my father came to the United States in 1969 and other than myself, my father and brother – our whole family still resides in Palermo.  While visiting with my Uncles, Aunt and cousins – I felt completely at ease, almost at home on the Mediterranean island.  I had been there a few times as a very young child, but with a lapse of 23 year since I last saw my family – it was quite a shock to see how comfortable the entire experience could be.  My family took Joe and I on a whirlwind walking tour of all of the historical parts of the city and countryside.  What a plethora of history to absorb in such a short time!   As I visited each area – I realized that my father had walked those very steps, in the same areas – so long ago.  What a connection to have with a parent that had given up so much in hope of providing something more – something new and something better.

I think my father doesn’t realize how much he got right.  Our life was less than perfect (but who’s is?); however – if my Dad set foot upon this land with hopes of creating a family and opportunities for his children…. he did.  He may not have liked some of the years in between then and now – but a few years ago – things started to really come together for our family.  My dad just put the home I was born to, grew up in and eventually my mother died in – for sale.  When that home is finally a new start for a different family, my dad is packing up and moving to Florida to spend the rest of his days with us.  Yes, there will be moments when I want to kill him – but for the most part I am looking forward to watching him relax a little, enjoy the grandkids, play with the dogs and smile.  He deserves that, and so do I.

I’m going to try my best to start writing more often (this may be the third or fourth promise of this since my posts first started dwindling) … but I’m not giving up!  I have done a much better job so far this year of balancing work and family.  I even took the time to play at the arcade with the kids today – and I had fun – I wasn’t stressed about what emails I missed!  We have done a much better job of dragging our friends out with us – and we’re going to keep on pushing you guys!  Whether it is family dinners again, crab island once a month or just having a few drinks at our new favorite hangout – Cuvee Bistro – it doesn’t matter.  We just need to be there for each other more often – to laugh away the hard stuff, celebrate the good stuff and plan the next adventure.

We are celebrating our one year wedding anniversary today.  Well, we are celebrating the whole weekend.  Friday was just the two of us, last night was with our best friends and tonight will be with the children.  In the same sentence I can tell you that I feel like the year went by so fast it was as if in one blink it had already passed us by, but in other ways it was a very long year filled with so much change and growth.  Two contradictory perspectives can’t seemingly live in the same memory, but it is true.  All I know is that this past year with Joe – if it only repeats for 50 more years, it would be too short.  Think about how many times you have watched your favorite movie?  Would that be enough times of waking up next to the person who is most important to you?  Would it be enough chapters in your life story?  Maybe when you find love and respect like Joe and I have for each other – forever wouldn’t be enough.

This I do know.  I have been forced to recognize that at the end of the day – I spent too much of this year living to work, instead of working to live.  No one ever tells you that being ambitious can be extremely unhealthy and no matter how high you climb on the ladder of success – each rung can plunge you deeper into unhappiness.  I did not recognize how lost I had become and shallow my days – until my professional situation abruptly turned on its heels by no control of my own.  I can assure you that I would never have chosen to find myself in this position – losing a company I worked so hard on for so many years, jobless and self introspective at 31 trying to ask myself once again who I am and who I want to be.  But I’m here and I can tell you that I haven’t been this happy in a very long time.  I haven’t slept this well in years.  I wake up every day feeling light and happy.  With nothing, I feel like I have everything.  Maybe that’s the secret to life – that in the contradictions you will find the answers.

In these past few weeks I’ve learned a lot about myself.  That my ambitious nature never brought me happiness.  My husband, children and friends bring me extreme pleasure and satisfaction.  That no promotion, salary increase or bonus ever gave me the pure pleasure that is experienced during a simple breakfast listening to my children divulge their life’s aspirations at 10 or 11 while devouring Joe’s lovingly scrumptious and now famous omelets.  Never has a project’s successful completion at work ever brought about the laughter, joy or memories of really bad bowling with friends.  I will never repeat this past year of my professional life.  There is no job, project or opportunity worth stealing my happiness…. or worth missing my life with my loved ones.  Somehow in losing everything, I have found myself again.

So to the love of my life – here’s to 100 years not being enough.

Palermo, Sicily

 I try to recognize everything in my life that I should be grateful for whenever I realize that aside from the obvious – I am fairly unhappy with myself.  I am grateful for Joe, my amazing husband who loves me exactly the way I always hoped a person would; I am grateful for two children that are complete opposites and yet each such a perfect reflection of who I had hoped they would be; I am grateful for the time I have to spend with my father and get to know him before the opportunity fades; and most of all I am grateful for realizing at such a young age that being grateful for material things is a complete waste of  effort and emotion. 

I have always had this concept of what I needed to be happy and yet each time I achieved the goals that were suppose to make me happy – I would still not be happy.  It is an exhausting cycle.  I have tried to take the road less traveled whenever I had the opportunity, I have tried to be the model employee, the quintessential wife, the doting mother, the ambitious entrepeneur and yet – I still feel so empty at the end of each day. 

I am only 30 and have a fairly impressive resume and a stable future in an industry that has wide, welcoming and open arms.  I have all of the things that on paper – should add up to success and happiness yet, there is still something missing and a growing anxiety that I have completely lost myself somewhere along the way. 

I think I might have stumbled on what I’ve been looking for but I have no idea how to get there from here.  Let me begin with what recently dawned on me.  Against all odds and a fierce sense of independence – I have a real knack for making someone or something else’s issues my own.  For example, I tend to treat every job I have ever had as if I were the owner.  So at night – I worry about how things are going, I notice every penny that is overspent, I sacrifice my own time with family and happiness so that whatever I am a part of can be successful.  Kind of like the girl who has no idea how she likes her eggs to be cooked because with each relationship whatever the other person prefers is what she decides is absolutely a suitable replacement as her favorite.  

I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m ready to decide how I like my eggs cooked without the influence of anything or anyone else and I’m perfectly fine with whatever consequences occur.  I’m ready to just be an employee and not internalize things that I cannot change.  I am not going to give 500%  towards anything or anyone that is not going to reciprocate the gesture… and I don’t mean with a carrot that dangles out in front of me.  I don’t even like carrots. 

I spent most of the morning asking myself for the first time in my life – what I wanted, what I liked, what made me happy, what I wanted my story to be at the end of my life.  I can honestly say that I only have a few answers and that it will take a lot of time and change in behavior to figure out the rest.  I know that I want my children to know me as something other than the mom that worked all the time.  One of the saddest moments I can remember is my son bringing home a project from school where he had to write a story describing who his parents are – and he totally wrote a story about someone I didn’t want to be, nor want him to grow up thinking was his mother.  He missed all the good stuff.  He missed that I’m funny, outgoing, spontaneous and artistic.  He wrote that I worked a lot and was tired all the time.  Who wants that legacy?  Not me. 

So here is my bucket list at 30: 

1.  I want to go to Italy and spend a month or two getting to know my family there.  I think that getting to know them and the country of my heritage will help me find out who I am. 

2.  I want to spend more quality time with my kids.  I am tired of acting like working on my laptop in the same room where they are playing equates to quality time with them. 

3.  I want to go on dates again with my husband on a regular basis.  I don’t want to forget how much fun we have together. 

4.  I want to write a book.  I’ve always known this but I never felt like my story was worth telling anyone else.  Now I’ve just reached a point where I don’t care if anyone else wants to read it.  I still want to write it. 

5.  I want to go to NY.  My mother was born there and I have this fantasy in my head that when I get there I will understand her in a way that I never did when she was alive. 

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy convincing other people to follow their dreams.  Case in point – Joe was a very successful Bose store manager with a very good future when I convinced him to pick up his passion for photography and build his own Destin Photographer business.  I thought I had done that for myself, but really I was too busy chasing carrots to realize that I was looking for self fulfillment in all the wrong places.

Destin beautiful Beach in the middle of the spill Late June.

Well another summer season has come and gone on the emerald coast and I have to say I am very disappointed with the media.  You know so many great people make their livings on the emerald waters of the Gulf of Mexico. Its beauty is enjoyed by those of us who live here and is a massive draw to others all over the country as well, thus our way of life revolves heavily around tourism.  As a Destin photographer making his living by the very heart of what makes Destin and the Beaches of South Walton work (tourism) I am so mad at the way the media portrayed the oil spill.  I am on the beach just about every day of the week and I have to say we had virtually nothing to worry about.  But because the media talked about the oil and the entire region being a disaster the livelihoods of the folks that make their living on the gulf coast have had their businesses threatened, most everyone has had a nonprofit season and the season typically carries everyone through to next season.  The worst case is that some businesses have closed and the ones that haven’t are holding on by a thread.  Media is powerful and before they start making all kinds of assumptions about how catastrophic things are they might want to make sure that catastrophic is really the case.  Our area has had very few hard-hitting issues with regards to the environment as far as I know.  To be clear the literally four or five tar balls that I actually saw were no bigger than my thumb nail.  Yet as a result of the media, businesses all over town have suffered.  We have all heard about the domino effect.  Do we really know what that means?  From my perspective it means for example we start with a vacation planed by the Jones in January of 2010 to stay at xyz resort or with xyz vacation Rental Company.  The media announces our area is devastated and doesn’t let up.  The Jones call and cancel their vacation.  Multiply this effect times the number of folks we see during our season, and then attach the domino effect.  No bookings means no revenue for the company which means they have to cut back in every aspect of how they run their business.  Further, food from ice cream to five-star dining, water activities from fishing to canoeing, movies, night life, grocery stores, retail establishments, golf courses, Weddings and beach portrait photography.  Every single thing that we have to offer in Destin and The Beaches of South Walton has been affected by the media and how they portrayed our little spot on the map.  Don’t get me wrong I am not saying we shouldn’t be concerned about the state of the areas that took the hits however, I don’t feel that we should be plastering an 800 number all over the news  to cancel vacations  because of the devastation that happen miles and miles away from us.  We shouldn’t assume devastation to areas based on nothing more than a guess.  There are too many people’s livelihoods at stake to make such a blanket statement that could and has affected the area so badly.  The oil has almost been completely capped at this point and we still don’t know how much oil or to use BP’s term “Plums” are under the water  so we still don’t know what’s going to happen or how much the oil is going to continue to affect our environment.  All I hope is that Destin and the Beaches of South Walton stays clean and the media changes the way they present the news.  Our communities are strong and we will get through this.  So everyone that’s reading this is already thinking about coming back and I say to you come enjoy The Beaches of the Emerald Coast and enjoy your vacation and don’t forget to schedule your beach photography at www.TheDestinPhotographer.com

The house is almost three times the square footage of our other home (our last house was really small so don’t think this new one is a mansion or anything!).  And guess what??  It has a huge kitchen for Joe to enjoy when he gets to cook our friends and family dinner! 

I could sit and tell you all the details of the new house – but really, our favorite part is just knowing that there is enough room for us to let the kids have friends over and play, and for friends and family that like to visit the beaches each year. 

Something else weird is that we can’t figure out how we had all of our current stuff in the old house – you would think that moving from a 1200 square foot house to over 3000 square feet would make you feel like you need to go shopping – but as we put items away we just keep thinking – how in the world did all of this fit in the old house?  Where did we put it all??  (especially all of Joe’s knick knacks – I mean, my goodness!)

Blue is also enjoying the big back yard and we have plenty of squirrels and stray cats to keep her driving us insane with the barking.  There are many small items we have to finish later – one thing at a time – to say we underestimated the cost of refurbishing a home is putting it lightly.  =)  So we still need to paint the columns, add bead board to the roof of the porch (it’s over 800 square feet!), and hopefully within the next year or two – add a pool.  The backyard will probably end up being our favorite place to exist!

Did I mention that aside from the Kitchen – that Joe inherited three garage bays with the new house?  Yes, you men out there are drooling!  AND an office for his Destin Photography business.  He has tons of “man space” now…. and a home for the Porsche.  Yes, Rosa finally made it back home… (I’ll leave that for another blog…. a year and a half in the shop and this is the most expensive go-kart I have ever seen in my life!)

I’m slightly OCD – so we are holding off on having a big “Meet the new Mayer House” family/friend dinner until we atleast get the columns outside painted and the bead board up… I just feel like the house is naked without!  But when we do – we promise to break it in right – with candlestick karaoke, good food, too much booze and great stories.  For our friends that we haven’t been able to hang out with much over the last few months because we were so busy:  We miss you.